Withdrawals

It’s been about 14 days since the last time I had escitalopram. That’s the scientific name of the medication I am, no, was on for the past 9 months. Wow, I can actually use the past tense. I honestly wasn’t sure if this day would come.

I don’t know if I can consider myself weaned as yet but I’ll admit that it’s been slightly more challenging than expected. For one, I did experience some withdrawals including throbbing headaches, nausea, brain zaps and insomnia. But it wasn’t just the withdrawals that I had to deal with; illness plagued our household!

Josh was teething and this was affecting his sleep, which was affecting my sleep. Then he started having a temperature and was getting blotchy all over. As his temperature rose, so did his level of fussiness. We found out it was fake measles or roseola and it subsided over time. Then when he was better and I thought, finally a little break, I caught the dreaded cold. I had the saying ‘when it rain, it pours’ at the back of my mind all week.

I used to sympathize with mums when they said that being sick while caring for a baby was a nightmare and now I can truly empathize. I can also say it was a real challenge managing my withdrawals while caring for Josh and recovering from the cold. Insomnia didn’t help because I couldn’t sleep when my body really needed to to recover. Eventually I raided my Mum’s med cabinet, took a drowsy antihistamine and slept for 10 hours. It was heaven. 

 

God made naptime for babies to grow and for mums to survive. *

I used to think that sleep was a waste of time (when I was young and arrogant) but now, I realize how precious and necessary it is. Being in a sleepless state with a burning throat and a buzzing mind is far from fun, especially when you realize it’s 4 am and your baby will be up to start the day in a couple of hours. Thankfully, I have understanding family members who have been super supportive in both emotional and practical ways – like letting me sleep while they watch Josh and telling me to shut up when I talk about how guilty I feel.

Another symptom that was really interesting was the brain zaps. People have different ways of describing this but it’s generally a feeling of ‘shock’ in the brain. Sam asked me what if felt like the other day and I described it as little claps in my brain when they aren’t too bad. But other times, it’s like a cymbal banging toy monkey is in my head clanging his symbals whenever he likes. What I hated was how hard it was to focus or to process thoughts. I felt, slow.

As I am writing this, I’m so glad to say that that monkey and his cymbals have left hopefully never to return again. The headaches are gone too and the past few days, I’ve been able to sleep when I’m tired (I used to take this for granted). Josh is healthy and has even mustered enough strength to karate kick me in the face leaving a red scab on my nose. I may look like Rudolph but I feel like a child on Christmas. There’s so much to be grateful for. Oh what a ride this mothering thing has been.

*Moment captured by the amazing tag team that makes up Bitesize Visuals